Long time no see...

It's been quite i while since my last entrance...
i guess it's because i forgot i use to have this kind of resources to let my self go, and feel free to say whatever i want...
sometimes i wonder how can i missleadingly say what i want but with no one noticing what i'm really sayng... sometimes i just say it plain and simple...
What's been bothering me theese last few days is quite a big thing... for me at least..
is a heart thing... i know i was the one who said we needed to do so, i know it was me the one who wanted this, i know it was me the one who felt that everything was wrong... but i also was the one in love when all those shitty things happened... we didn't brokeup because we didn't love eachother anymore, or because we cheated on eachother... or because we wanted to cheat, or anything like it... it was because it seemed to be the best... we couldn't stand to be next to each other with out putting up a fight... without startin to yell and scream and fight over nothing... and say really mean things while at it...
so, breaking up seem to be the only reasonable thing to do... i mean... it felt like hell to be in that realtionship most of the times...
but now that things are really calmed, and i get lonelier by the minute, i started to missed the little and few godd things... i know that we couldn't keep that kind of relationsihp going on anymore... so i don't regret the breking... i just regret "being forced" to break up with such a great girl... i mean... i feel like she is the only person ever... tha tried to understand me... and even more important than that... that tried to please me...
anyhow... theese days are like... totally linear... nothing ever changes, nothing brings me up, nothing feels good... i even started to go out... partying and stuff like that... but when the party is over, i feel exactly like i did before... and then i realize that what i'm doing to move on is not working the way i wanted it to be working... i hope this goes away one day... sooner than later of course...
i hope to wake up and feel that everything is in its place... the way it always should have been... that way i always wanted them to be... the way it'll make me feel ok...

Wondering

Times like this...
just makes me wonder

why did i pick you?...
why did i give everything up on you?...
is this worthy?...
will it be worthy some day?
you just don't seem to understand...
never...
and keep pushing and pushing...
throwing just one more thing into it..
when everything is already collapsed...
but you just don't seem to realize...
and this...
just makes me wonder...
if i made the wrong choice...
if i screwed it up...
if this... is what i want...

...

Fcuk..
you and your ideas...
you asked for something..
and i gave it to you...
as usual...
but then...
you espect me to do exactcly
what you asked me not to do...
what tha fuck that suppose to mean?
how the hell am i supposed to react?
what tha fuck?
i don't get it

i just don't get it...

This is not what i wanted for me

This feels wrong...
i don't like it...
one minute it seems to be pushing me up...
just to pull me down again at the next one...
i do not enjoy this...
i makes me ill...
makes me think a lot...
and not reach any sort of conclusion...
i hate it...
some say this... and to me is like they say that...
others keep making promises... never to get fulfilled...
i don't know...
this is just...
not what i wanted for me.

WHAT THA HELL?!

what tha fuck?
you spoke to me
you said you love me
you still say that
but
you say you don't wanna see me
you feel this, you feel that
and then i explain to you and you keep clsed inside your head
thinking stuff someone else put in it...
making changes... and planes with some other guy...
fuck it...
i got tired...
i got scared...
i got broken...
that's it...
if you don't realize soon enough... this shall ends...

The Final

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Since a few days a go... i started to feel something...
about you... that i can't stand...
but... all of a sudden... you made dissapear... with some nice treat...
but... wow we sopke about something, you say you want it too... but...
stil... you rther not to see me...
and the things i've got to say keep getting stuffed inside of me...
sometimes i feel like i don't even like you... but then you came again and say to me...
so many pretty things...
i realize... this is just a game for you... you don't even realize how much i cared...
you don't even realize how much you DO care...
you are just not what i want... but yet still...
i feel this crap inside of my heart...

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Colliding

I'm collinding... through all of this shit...
and not minding the fucking pain that chases my sanity away...
all because of something... because of that advide...
i've been through a lot... and you don't even care...
just took that fucking crappy advice...
i've been here... waiting day after day to see if you realize...
but you are just too happy being like this...
like a...
you know... so there's no need for me to put it here...
My intentions never changed... and what i wanted stays the same...
but... the pain i'm handling... is the one you do not apreciate...
you say so many nasty things to me... and do not even care that i'm a person too
fuck it... fuck everything...
this whole thing... if i just could... erase you from my life... for ever...
for good...
it seems to me like it's time to set myself on fire... and let go my whole life...
just to get you out of me...
...
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